I’m right here.

Where do I start?

In the last two year’s I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’ve interacted with different individuals who without even knowing it have taught me so much about myself. My old boss from years ago was right when she said I would look back to the beginning of my twenties as I get to my thirties only to find out that I know nothing. Now 4 months from being 30 and things I cared about before I no longer put my energy into. It’s hard at times when I’ve been who I’ve been for most of my life but when they say you learn from your past, that statement couldn’t be more real. I don’t even know my purpose yet but I do know that I crave more self discovery. I continue to grow as time goes by and even thought my heart and brain struggle with some of the decisions I’ve had to make in the last two years, I can’t allow things of no importance to consume me.

 

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Feels.

Now and then you miss it, sounds make you cry
Some nights you dance with tears in your eyes
I came to visit cause you see me like a UFO
That’s like never cause I made you use your self control
And you made me lose my self control, my self control
Keep a place for me, for me
I’ll sleep between y’all, it’s nothing
Keep a place for me

Mama’s baby

Violet Alina!
I think of you and immediately my heart is full of love. I still remember carrying you in 2016 and being so ready for you to come out. I cried so hard when I first saw you. Your father and I were over the moon. Then I went through this phase and  I felt so disconnected from you. From motherhood. I felt like a horrible human being after having you. I wasn’t myself. I couldn’t even look at you without feeling guilt for feeling so distant. It took me a couple months to snap back to reality. You are my baby. I am your mother. I was chosen for a reason and I don’t take that lightly. I’m so thankful those days are behind us. You were created with the purest of love. You may never see or experience having both your parents together. I just need for you to know that you were made with real love. Your older sister was one of the first to know. I remember laying in bed with her she had just turned 7 a couple months before. I put her hand on my belly and told her you were in there swimming and she promised she would not tell. She was so happy to know that her dream had come true. She was going to have the baby sister she had asked me for as early as 3 years old. You’re little face is irresistible to me. You make it so hard to do anything when all I want to do is be with you all day. I love you. I hope you never forget that. I am committed to your growth and whatever I have to do to see you successful. I’m looking forward to more love and many more memories. Violet my sweet cheeky baby, I love you to the moon and back. FOREVER AND EVER v and me

DAILY WORD ( GOOD STUFF)

Spiritual Growth

 

THE GLORY OF GOD RADIATES THROUGH ME AND AS ME.

The story of my life is ever-unfolding. At times it may feel like a drama, comedy, romance, or tragedy. Regardless of the genre of my current situation, I acknowledge that I am the author of my life story. If I find myself reliving the same narrative again and again, I can choose to make edits in the plotline.

I revise my experience by mentally turning away from the human drama. Instead, I envision writing a spiritual self-help title. I edit and rewrite any belief or thought that does not serve my own growth and empowerment. I affirm that I am a powerful being made in the image and likeness of God.

My life story is revised into an inspiring tale of the glory of God radiating through me and as me.

Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it.—1 Corinthians 12:27
 http://www.dailyword.com/

My heart.

903E222A-89F5-4A3E-8409-17233D0D8295.jpegEveryday I think of you both. Your little hearts and what I need to do to keep these smiles on your faces. You are my sunshine, my breath of fresh air, my universe and so much more.

Jaz & Vee! I love you. God has blessed me tremendously with you two. I will always be here to love and guide you. You will always be perfect in your mama’s eyes.

I love you two so much. Never for a second forget it.

 

 

 

Excuses and blame

I’m always trying to find the good in the bad. Especially with men. I give people the benefit of the doubt over and over. To the point that it becomes so unhealthy for me. It’s gotten easier with women because although I have a lot of women in my life there are only a select few that have truly seen me in my element. My layers are not protecting me with these women, they have seen the true me. If you are anything like me don’t change the beauty in you and how you love and treat others. Instead don’t ignore red flags. Don’t give too many chances because that is how excuses happen. Abuse happens. When we allow it and accept it we are the only ones to blame for our ongoing suffering. This year and every year that follows I want to burn and kill the same patterns I keep getting myself into. Sometimes you really don’t know unless you try but don’t become blind just because there might be some good moments. When someone, male or female appreciates and values you, you don’t have to look for it. They see and know your worth and without question show you that and more. Love and respect you for all the right reasons. Challenge you to grow and become apart of that journey. It’s hard in today’s world where most of us hide behind computers and communication has become a lost art.

Just be you. Be genuine. Fall madly in love with yourself. Learn from your past but do yourself a HUGE favor ,let go of your past.

No one should ever feel like they are competing with your past. Move on when you are ready but until then….

 

LOVE YOURSELF

 

Harem

I’ve seen this one too many times.. I am so happy I found this article. It really puts things into perspective.

 

https://esteemology.com/the-narcissist-and-his-harem-why-you-should-decline-membership/

Think of a Narcissist like a hoarder.  In the same way that a hoarder finds comfort collecting objects a Narcissist gains comfort collecting people. They don’t trouble themselves with mundane things, like right or wrong, or other people’s feelings. To him, people are objects. To a Narcissist you are either Narcissistic Supply, Potential Supply or you’re nothing.

A Narcissist requires excessive amounts of attention and admiration.  Consequently, he accumulates an assortment of people (Narcissistic Supply) he can turn to whenever he has a need for them. These people, also called the Narcissistic harem, mainly consist of ex-girlfriends, potential girlfriends and women who wish to be his girlfriend. The harem can also be comprised of co-workers, family and friends, basically anyone, who the Narcissist deems a good audience for his wit and who will willingly boost up his self-esteem and sense of superiority, by putting him up on a pedestal – anybody, he can turn to for attention, sex, money, or anything he may need.  A happy Narcissist is one who has many options.

The Harem

A couple of years ago I briefly dated, ‘guy with a harem.’  Guy with a harem explained to me that most of his friends were women. I didn’t find that odd at first…until I noticed that more than eighty percent of the people on his Facebook were women ‘friends.’

I was the fresh meat, getting the lion’s share of his attention and what I sensed right off the bat was that these women were very territorial.  Since I was shiny and new, I garnered most of his time and affection and this didn’t sit too well with the other women in his life, who had been relegated to the end of the line.

Let’s be honest, a jealous woman can be incredibly devious and catty and guy with a harem, needing to be constantly reassured, would run to these ‘friends,’ and since they wanted me out of the picture their advice was always unflattering and self-serving.

I felt at times like I was being investigated. I had three or four of them send me friend requests on Facebook, looking to snoop into my life, hoping to dig up some kind of dirt. My appearance, my behavior was constantly under scrutiny by the harem and I had to eventually hit the pavement, because it felt like I was dating him and every other woman he had ever been involved with.

When you are with someone that seems to have a lot of previous relationships that just never seem to end, that’s a red flag. His actions at best are showing you that he has a massive fear of commitment and that he can’t make up his mind whether to stay or go. At worst it shows a user mentality and someone that likes to keep his options open.

I know we all want to be the winner, where all other women have failed, but the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. So if you honestly think you are going beat the odds – think again.

I’m not saying men and women can’t be ‘just’ friends, but that distinction happens only when both parties have absolutely no interest in being together. Narcissists are very cunning. With their charm they can usually swoop any woman off their feet, but their specialty lies in their ability to keep women hanging on.

They choose their harem members wisely. Sussing out those that are overly giving, that rationalize and make excuses for other people’s bad behavior and those that the Narcissist has successfully managed down their expectations, so that they treat every little nugget of attention like a lottery winning.

I recall speaking to a woman, who was involved with the very last Narcissist I dated and she told me that after our Narcissist had hurt her again and again, by constantly blowing hot and cold and making it quite clear that he was never going to give her the relationship that she wanted, she had actually offered to be ‘friends with benefits,’ and even went so far as to tell him that, no guy would ever match up to him. This, after he repeatedly treated her like gum on the bottom of his shoe.

She was so ready and willing to sell herself short, just to have a piece of him – any piece.  It’s almost like the Narcissist casts a spell on his victims, by emotionally extracting away their power, so they feel weak and helpless without him.

This woman even knew that he was dating other women and was willing at all costs to still have him in her life. Somewhere in the back of our minds, in some crazy rationale we tell ourselves things like, “oh he’ll date someone else and then realize how much better he had it with me and he’ll come back.” That might be true in the short term, but by showing him that you’ll put up with him dating other women, he’ll do just that and then come back when that doesn’t work out and then leave again….and all the while you are on an emotional rollercoaster never knowing where you stand or when he’s coming or going.

Harem members may or may not know about each other. They usually don’t. It often comes as a great surprise to most women that the man they’ve been obsessing over, has actually been bouncing around from woman to woman. Narcissists like secrecy, because if his harem members ever compared notes, the web of lies that they’ve been weaving would come crashing down and he would lose his stash of supply.

The general Narcissistic cycle goes something like this – Narcissist finds new meat, lavishes her with attention and moves really fast – he keeps former girlfriends on ice by feeding them hope and nuggets of attention and affection –  the new meat loses her shine and she gets relegated to the harem – he may bounce back to an old harem member in the interim while he looks for someone new and on and on it goes.

The women he meets could be beautiful, have a great job, good friends and money in the bank. It doesn’t matter. It’s never about her and it will always turn out the same way. For the Narcissist knows that it’s just a matter of time before he will make his hasty retreat. A Narcissist is like a drug addict, always looking for his next fix. He builds up a tolerance to people and the Narcissistic supply that he extracts from them.

Hoarders are afraid to throw anything away in case they have a use for it somewhere down the road.  Narcissists, in the same way don’t like to throw away the people they’ve collected.  Both are pathological, unhealthy and dysfunctional. A Narcissist will offer up friendship after he has screwed you around for the 100th time, but what he’s really offering is a membership to his harem. He will throw you crumbs of affection and he will spin tales, hinting of a possible future together. This membership allows him to pop in and out of your life, mess with your head and keep tabs on you, while at the same time it keeps you stuck and fixated on him. Membership does have it’s privileges, but the privilege is all his.

 

Big Baby.

I’m happy you will never know who I was before you. No one to look up to back then. Even though you did not choose to come into this life. I’m always thankful for your existence. To know that I was blessed with the opportunity to hold you in me, love you and guide you like I am now and will forever. It’s the best job in the world. You challenge me to be better everyday. Not just for you but for myself. You are my best friend girl. I have to balance being a mother and friend. It isn’t easy. We have grown up together. I can’t believe 8 years have gone by. I blink and you are two sizes bigger, smarter and even more lovable. I know that you aren’t in the ideal household. No father in ours. I hope you know that I wish I could give you what your heart desires. A happy home. I don’t know when or how long it will take but one day baby. One day, you will have the relationship you long to have with someone and we will all be a family. Until then I hope I am enough. I hope you never go one day without feeling loved. I want you to be exactly who you are meant to be, want to be. Whatever I need to do to help you achieve that I will. You are my first true love. Our journey has been nothing but wonderful. The best part is that we aren’t done. We have so much time left together. I plan to give you so much love and commit myself to your growth. Your future. Thank you for saving me baby. Thank you for giving me purpose.jaz and I

Steph Listen…

You are not pushing yourself to your true potential. It starts with surrendering yourself. Stop looking for it. Love will find you. What you desire will come to you when you simply surrender yourself to GOD. It will be a wave of peace. He will be the opposite of you. He will challenge you in ways you have never seen by anyone. He will come when you least expect it not when you are looking. I challenge you to free yourself of everything that doesn’t help you grow, bring you happiness and brings you peace.

Steph there is something about you. I’ve never seen it before. People flock to you. People naturally want to love you. I’ve watched your interactions with people. It doesn’t matter who it is Steph they always end up loving you and coming to you. That’s real Steph.

 

I love you Steph, I really do. Surrender Steph. Stop trying to save everyone. Stop it. You keep building everyone else around you but where does that leave time for you? Worry about yourself and your girls. I promise you, you’re life will change.

 

Thank you for your words. It’s so real. You always know what to say. Thank you for your guidance, your friendship.

If you could..

If you could open my heart you’d see the scars left behind from past lovers. The heartaches that left darkness where there was once light. You would also see a glimpse of that light again. You came and somehow these scars made room for your light to grow in me. If only I could forget about everyone before you. If only the darkness would just disappear. If only I could trust that this is it. That I have finally found happiness that will only bring love and heal me. If only….