I still can’t believe how much I believed you. Until the very end I wanted to be wrong. You were so convincing and I doubted myself so often. No way could you be capable of hurting me like that. Not you! Not us! Boy was I wrong and for months I replayed things over and over. I would wake up at anytime and just cry. It was terrible and although I’ve loved before nothing was more humiliating than you. It wasn’t until you that I had to build a wall to my heart. Before then I was so loving from the very beginning and after you I had to restrain myself from my natural impulses. Heartbreak by you was one of the darkest times of my life thus far.
Now I do recognize that at the end of the day you had to look out for yourself. For your heart, for you. I had maturing to do still, learn to let go of the past before I met you. I was doing it while in the relationship with you, putting you through turmoil most days. Oblivious to what it was doing to you. In the background you were pulling away, making plans for your escape. Fuck, the way you did it though. Now I can laugh when I think of it all, what a process that has been.
It’s been 7 years since the last time I saw you. The evening it all ended between us really changed love for a period of my life. All of me wanted to be wrong of my suspicion and meanwhile I was 100% on point. Building lies in a new relationship with someone by making me seem like the most evil. How cynical were you, moving in with her right after you left me that night. Then proposing to her and getting her pregnant all within the same year. Nothing seemed real. You were the fakest human I had ever come across and the process of purging you was on I had never experienced before. For the first time ever I had a desire to erase every shared memory with another human. Leaving no trace that I ever even knew you. I went through every photo, every text and all voice memos/voicemails and nothing did I want to hold on to. A small memory of who we were together, I wanted no fucking part. TRASH, all of it!
The impact you had remains in my memories, the few I can still remember.
Stephaniesworld 